My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
You Might Also Like
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan