Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
O Wise One….
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
mechanics be like
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Every. Damn. Time.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife