me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’m putting together a team
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month