“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.