I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
early stone age tool
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.