Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You Might Also Like
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.