freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
You Might Also Like
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Battery falling down a hole