If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…