I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m too immature for adultery.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
one of
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m confused about plants
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?