We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
FINE, I WON’T.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The answer is funnier than the question
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.