A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha