wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
FRED: right
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
He just like my cat fr
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.