Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I have a type: disappointing
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.