Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself