DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.