How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf