“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”