Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.