ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.