Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I’m pretty like a car crash.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.