The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)