Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.