Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
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“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Mornin
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.