*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
incredible text to wake up to
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks