Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I鈥檝e gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I鈥檝e gotta say if there鈥檚 a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 馃
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I only eat vegetarians.
Don鈥檛 even THINK about 鈥渉oney鈥漣ng me if you鈥檝e shrunk the damn kids…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it鈥檚 boiled
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I鈥檓 gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700鈥檚 and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I鈥檓 sorry.
Me: please don鈥檛 interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.