Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Safety first
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas: