I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
constantly working on myself.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
LOL!
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married