bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.