Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Google assistant rules
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took