never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
🚲+physics = winner
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
a lot to unpack here
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”