A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
You Might Also Like
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩