count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
WHY would you be happy about this?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*