kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.