“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I bet
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Two types of dogs.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Canada has crack?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17