My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
San Francisco has too many rules
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…