Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“I FIXED IT!”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Ha.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”