I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
2022 be like
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin