I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
At least try to make it slightly believable
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?