*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
saving face 👀
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’