My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Bro what is this
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.