You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N