You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?