Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Saving my good tweets for marriage
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.