Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
😂🤣😂🤣
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.