[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Happy weekend !
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Clients after you give them your rates
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.