Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Just how popey was the pope today?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice