I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.