The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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“Why you watching this shit?”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.