infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I have no idea what she’s talking about.