Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
You Might Also Like
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
when you order from DoorDastardly
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.